Oh, Suburban White Kids, You So Crazy! -or- “Say Goodnight!”

Warning: You will never get the following five minutes of your life back.

I would just like to go on record as saying this video makes me embarrassed to be not only white and male, but human as well. Admittedly, these kids are pretty piss-poor examples of all three, but still…

I would very much like to assume that this is staged, but in my heart of hearts, I know these two vicious suburban warriors were probably dead serious.

And that’s what makes this so goddamned funny.

Not to mention that any middle-class white kid calling another one “nigga” and “pussy” during what is probably the saddest fight every committed to video automatically looks like a giant douchebag manbaby. And that’s to say nothing of the fact that 90% of their punches hit nothing but what little air is escaping from their gasping, wheezing lungs. Here’s a protip, kids: if you don’t have the conditioning to either take a fight past the minute and a half mark or end it before that point, don’t start it to begin with. Just buy another goddamn bong, go back to calling people “faggot” on Xbox Live and call it a fucking day.

And people wonder why I haven’t had faith in humanity for a couple of decades now…

Welcome to ApathyBot Industries: It’s been 16 days since our last workplace accident.

(Video via @Seanbabydotcom on Twitter)